i'm having a freakin' bad headache now and the irritating unpleasant techno music from the pasar malam opposite my house is making it hurt even more.

i can feel my veins thumping when i pressed my fingers to the side of my forehead. it's okay, this will help me sleep earlier and then i'll be able to get up at 5.15am later on.

i'm suppose to work out today, but the fuckin' gym is so full and i'm so lazy and my head hurts and my stomach still hurts. i'm giving myself reasons again, argh i hate it.

i can't wait for pay day! i'm gonna make a shopping list and get the stuffs which i need the most, i can already see them flying with wings around my head.

i really have to save this month and i have to go for a full body check-up. i hope i'm healthy besides being fat and flabby.

and I CANT FIND MY USB FOR MY PHONE. don't know where the hell i keep it, i have so many photos from Sabai Sabai that i haven't upload in facebook. the funny thing is most of the pictures do not have my face in it cos i was busy taking pictures for the guys. LOL.

on a random note, my sport shoes are slippery, this is not good! i don't like slippery shoes cos i have the tendency to always slip and fall.

sian, it's only tuesday and i'm feeling so depressed.

I NEED THE OOOMMPPPHHH!

my stomach area still hurts, i think i really strained it.

the boy keeps complaining that i'm being very noisy and he assures me that muscles are forming that's why. i want to believe it too, but it's too painful to be muscle aches resulting from doing ab-cises.

besides, muscles won't just form right above my very huge tummy.

counting today, its already 5 days. where got ache for so long one?! but whatever, i hope tmr it'll be less painful cos i've been hunching my back till my body aches too. i can't stretch or get up from bed properly, i can't stand immediately but to slowly get up and i can't eat properly!

but i'm not losing weight so there's nth to be gleeful about.

my mum and dad keep calling me FAT! keep asking me what i eat, why my hips and arms so big, why run so much still so fat (this is what my dad say).. HOW I KNOW WHY?! my body doesn't wanna lose weight i exercise so much also no use.

maybe i really got some illness that's killing my cells slowly so i can't lose weight. WHO KNOWS?!

ahhh, when i don't eat you complain say why i never eat, wanna diet is it? when i eat, you say i eat too much become so fat (okay larh, it's true i've been eating alot ever since the start of the year, i don't know why maybe cos i'm happier?).

zzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhh, i exercise till i become skinner for you two okay? don't ask me why i suddenly become thinner, dont ask me anything regarding my weight!

i want to sleep now, i'm so depressed.

my stomach still is hurting even more. must be the muscle ache starting to set in plus the injury i got, i still don't know whats wrong!?

watched Saw 6 with that boy, you know, that boy, the boy who always breaks my heart and put it back together again. he loves doing that to me and he loves when i decide to sayang him again and hug him like a baby.

that stupid boy always comes out with a new word everyday.
today's word of the day is "kid-diot" which actually translates to "kidding lar idiot". LOL.

Saw 6 doesn't disappoint, you need to go watch it. you want bloody, horror, gore and a life lesson, you get it there! that boy & me had no appetite to finish our popcorn within that 30 mins of the show.

that boy & me decided to play the toy grabbing machines in the arcade. we tried so many times for the ultra huge pig at the arcade in Illuma. we couldn't get it and we gave up. i wonder how those people can get a plastic bag full of those soft toys, it seems impossible!

the pig was really ultra huge and fluffy and the cheeks were so fat and round. too bad we can't get it, it would be a nice replacement of that boy for me. when he's not around, i'll hug it and pinch the cheek of that pig like what i always do to that boy :)

& i think i've got some illness that's yet to be known.

my back of my hips near to the spine keeps getting a tingly & mild itchy feeling, sometimes i feel a sudden sharp pain too. and i get chest pains at you know where and my ear drums will suddenly block and i can hear vibration in my ear.

i think i'm gonna die soon, i better go for a check-up once i get this month's pay.

i have to, 'else i'll die w/o reasons or die of worrying.

nights people, i hope i don't die early, i love my family and that boy so much.

i went to gym last night at 8 plus, and it wasn't empty... so sad.. everything was fully utilised.

i had to wait to use the machines. when one of the treadmill was vacant, i just went on it, didnt wanna waste time waiting for the cross trainer.

i didn't really run for the whole 25 minutes.. i did speed walking and sprinting upslope with a variation of 1-2 mins each, i could die doing that. i perspired damn fast for this..

when i was looking down on the treadmill, it looks like as if the belt was damn fast and i was running kinda fast but when i look into my reflection on the glass, i look like i was jogging and not running. so disheartening!

used the cross trainer for another 30 mins.. and i did stupid stuffs after that i think i hurt my stomach area.

stuffs like trying out the gym ball ( i think it was lau hong cos it was so squeeshy) and i couldnt get up while doing the sit-up, LOL. managed to adjust myself abit and did 20 times.

and then i decided to borrow the yoga mat and try out some ab-cises with the ball, i gave up after awhile cos i couldnt get up at all. so embarrasing, thank god no one really notice me. took away the ball and just did leg-lifts and crunches.

on my last move i decided to try out some different style of doing crunches, i thought i could get up but i was wrong. i didn't have any strength to do it and i think i ended up straining and hurting my stomach area. it felt so swollen straight after and it was hurting so bad till today.

goddddd, but i think i perspired quite alot but the strain wasn't worth it. if it could give me abs. hell yah i don't mind hurting it everyday.

LOL!

i really wish i was hidden somewhere right now where no one can ever find me, talk to me or touch me.

god i'm really dying of the exhaustion of fucking explaining, defending and reasoning myself out when whoever don't even give a damn about whatever i have to say or said. because whatever i've said is always chucked away in god-knows-where or simply ignored or i'm answered back with groundless arguements.

why is it always this way??! i am feeling fucking tired and fucking miserable that i'm too lazy or even have the extra energy to rebuke anything anymore.

DO YOU FUCKING GET IT OR NOT?!

I AM FUCKING TIRED!

i am the control freak, the insensitive one, the one who doesn't wanna spend time, the one who is doing everything wrong/dislikable, the one who is always at fault, the one who always spoils mood, the one who is always picking a quarrel, the one who is always crazy, the one who is always so stubborn etc etc.

tell me seriously from all those, can you see anything likeable about me, anything that really works in my favour, any reason at all for you to stay with me. if 98 out of a 100 things about me are bad, why why why why why do you still want me?

i'm tired of being accused of things i'm not, being scolded for nothing, explaining myself knowing it's useless, going through that hot unreasonable temper, being treated unfairly when so many things i did (that you hate) is what you do to me. i can list everything but i am just too freaking tired because you can crap shit out and make it seem so true. whats the point really?

i really wish i can be alone somewhere tonight with no one in sight, with no mumurings, no nothing!

i am so pathetic, i know i am, being treated this way.

i just feel like fading away and go some place where no one can ever find me again.

i should just disappear... and never come back..

i'm so angry yet so tired and yet so sad.

i've never been happier and more focus in gym today... because it was EMPTY!!! i could comfortably do my weights, take my own sweet time trying out stupid movements and i feel awesome. damn awesome.

i glanced through towards the gym from my room window and i thought it was full cos there were so many human movements but i just decided to heck and go cos i missed out 2 supposed sessions.. & maybe just nice ppl get off my favee machine. and i was damn lucky, no one was using it!

okay so i extend the time for another 5 mins today, almost gave up and wanted to switch to the treadmill and start sprinting but i decided not to cos my knees would hurt damn bad. maybe i should have done brisk walking but i was too excited to do the weights when no one was around, i must take this once in a gym session opportunity!

and when i went home, even more happy. got brown rice to eat again with so many indo spicy stuffs, i prolly put back double the calories i lost, LOL.

i should start going at 8pm, cos thats the time i went today and it was empty, well maybe not everyday will be like that but i certainly hope so!

oorhhhwighttys i gotta shower and then i'll spend 45 mins playing The Sims and then i'll sleep :)

my first virgin experience to sabai sabai was quite okay. enjoyed myself pretty much, i think i embarrassed myself quite alot too.

i can't really remember the details halfway thru the night, lol.

met up with the 3 musketeers last night and we went to sabai sabai too.

melvin is so fucking skinny, well not really that extremely skinny but he lost so much weight. i keep complaining he's so skinny and it's not fair cos i want to lose weight too,LOL. they ask me join army if i wanna lose weight, whahahahahahahaha.

alex is still the same, once a dad forever a dad. he was annoyed with the china girls sitting beside our table, they keep playing dice throughout the night, hahaha. also, they keep attracting and hooking guys through-out the night.

jack also still the same, forever with that long fringe, forever dressing up like a true taiwanese star (i meant S.H.O.W, lol) and forever having the same pair of skinny chopstick legs. eh but i really like his windbreaker-jacket. damn nice, he said he was gonnna give me the website, but he never lor :(

so anyways, we were contemplating whether to order 1 bottle of martel or 2 bottle of martel because of the difference in price. but end up, we ordered 3 buckets of heiniken. LOL. wasted jack's & my energy of wrecking our brains on which to order.

we had cup noodles at 7-11 after, all of us were hungry. i was starving cos i keep smelling and seeing ppl eating chicken wings and nugget in the bar, make me so tempted.

i don't know why but even in the midst of the noisy loud music bar, i still feel it's so quiet and silent. ohhh, i did enjoy myself though, seeing people making a fool out of themselves, hooking each other up, gays hooking my favourite guitarist on stage, and counting how much flower garlands the singers receive.

no pin-up for halloween this year, i swear next year i'll wear a freaking home made costume. no more waiting for answers of who's going or not. I AM FUCKING GOING EVEN IF NO ONE'S GOING.

and here's another abrupt stop for my post....

gooodbye.

i wanted to say sth but i decided not to.

i think i'm improving on keeping my cool now. well it's a good thing isn't it.

i've given up on trying to reason out and proving myself cos it's getting too tiring. going through the damn cycle all so frequently is getting very tiring till the extend of getting heart burns when i recieve an SMS.

all because i know what's going to be in there, all because i know too well what's the ending, all because i know it's never gonna change and everytime it's always the same.

god i feel so damn nua and sleepy today that i'm too lazy to even go through part 3 or 4 or 5 of what's happening. usually i'll be the extreme stubborn crazy bitch, today i'm being mild.

oh well what to do? the ending is always the same, why go to it when you know it already.


I AM SOOOOOOO SLEEEEEEEEPY, fuck.