I HATE MY BIRTHDAY!

i wanna scream damn loudly but i can't.
i wanna say something but i don't know what.

my heart is burning like hell and i can't do anything about it.

someone told me to keep my head cool and not say stupid things in the heat of the moment. i'm trying that now but it's killing me.

if God wants to test my maturity by giving me shit everytime before my birthday, i rather not have it AT ALL!

sentosa now, anyone?

(i know i said i'll move my blog, no time, will move next week.)

i am giving more than what i could give and i'm getting tired.. too damn tired.

my ears and heart are so damn numb from listening to all those "lines" that i wish could just shut everything out.

you're having a bad week so am i, no i'm having more than just a bad week, i've been having horrible months. i really wanna get away from every bullshit there is right here, right now.

i do what i could do but there's hardly the slightest appreciation. tell me how am i suppose to be not tired.

don't know me anymore? you made me this way.. that's the truth.

i'm so tied down, it's so hard to let go.

i don't even know what's real and what's not. what are the lies and what are the truths.

and who you even care the most, trust the most, tell your true feelings the most and i know for sure, it's not me but them.

i'm moving, don't bother checking this blog 'nymore.

tell me..

is this it? i just felt it.

(don't come and tell me about Michael Jackson's "This Is It", i will fuck you right in the face.)

are there any rich kind souls who would fly me in to their own private beach and let me stay there for one week for free.. providing me with my own butler and servants.

i will run around the island everyday, try to climb the coconut trees and pluck it, build mega-huge sandcastles, go diving, jump in the water like one crazy bitch who sees water for the first time, tan the whole day, go skinny dipping, catch fish and bbq it, have spa massages everyday...

any ONE?

just to get me out of this boring shit place. i know i should be thankful living here in SG where the only major natural disaster we have is flooding in bukit timah which is NOTHING compared to the earthquakes in Haiti (my sympathy and condolences to families lost).

i'm imagining myself to be in some island like the private beach mentioned in one of the twilight saga books (i'm wishing damn bloody hard). but it's impossible..

i'm such an ungrateful brat, i know that damn well.

but i just can't stand living like this.... it doesn't look that bad but IT IS THAT BAD.

okay so enough of blabbering... i wanna join YOGA!!! but it's sure as hell damn expensive...

insert -BIG SIGHS-.... why is my thinking not normal, why why why...

God, it really sucks to be me.. and i really meant it. nobody would ever wanna live in my body, nobody, cos i can't even love it or the least bit... like it.

and obviously, i'm not being very happy enough about myself which in turn affects people around me not being happy with me cos i'm forever unhappy (or at least i thought so).

honestly, i really apologise for what i'm not and what i've been.

sorry that i can never be interesting enough..

sorry that i can never be hot enough or pretty enough...

sorry that i can't appreciate poker or any games you play...

sorry that i can't be happy with mostly everything you do...

sorry for always being sucha grumpy person..

sorry that i can never be the best you've ever have...

sorry that i'm so fucked up...

sorry that i can never give you the feeling that i'm happy...

sorry that i'm always making you feel lousy...

sorry that the things i wanna do doesn't always interest you....

sorry that my parents have to have someone as hateful as me..

sorry for being the worst gf you'll ever be with...

i'm so sorry for everything that i'm not, that you wish i was.... i don't know what else to say, but i am sure i make a better dead person than being alive. i wish i didn't even exist at all.. i hate being me.

but i am not sorry for really loving you.

if it makes you happier, i would...

i just wish....WIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHH that my mind would stop torturing me.

if only IT uses that "torturing energy" to help me in my perseverance to run, but NO, it corrupts me with evilllll thoughts.

it doesn't help that i'm in my PMS mood now, it's making me feel worse than shit.. than the lowest-being on Mother Earth.

so sucky...

maybe i'm just tired, tired of everything.... tired of always thinking... tired of doing things i don't wanna do... tired of not being able to do what i wanna do... tired of just having to listen to other people's wants..

fuck it.

Weekends.....

weekends were okay, not that fab.. well cos i was a tat grumpy with bibibuu practically everytime we met. but all's well now, my p is most prolly coming that's why.

Diet..

you know, my no-rice diet only lasted till thursday night..LOL.

cos i ate zhi char on friday night, tepanyaki garlic rice on saturday, zhi char again on sunday night and chicken rice yesterday for lunch.. LOL.. 3 consecutive days stuffing myself with rice.


i didn't even run last week.. lazy as a donkey. i have to start running again, i can see the pounds creeping onto the surface of my skin :((

anyhoosss, drinking vodka+ a carton of orange juice and 2 bottles of calamansi + vodka is making me poo poo like mad. extreme detox, alcohol (vodka, not beer) is AAAAAAAWWWWWEESSOOMMMMMEEEEE :)))

Baby Boy...

baby's moving house to pasir ris!!!! i saw his new room, quite big and plus there's a cute small balcony (hope he doesnt use it to smoke!!!). can't wait to see what his room will look like after eveything's set-up :)) i wanna help to decorate tooo!!!!

i'll definitely miss Simei..awwwwww. and no more East Point :(((((

and i keep forgetting to take picture of bibi in his fedora hat and semi-long ah beng gold hair. SOOO CUTE... look like those japanese hair-style catalogue you see in salons.

and baby, just wanna tell you i love you very much. Sorry for being such a grumpy and moody gf last weekend. LOL.

Birthday....

i have nothing special in mind. don't wish to have BBQ this year...

my own family dinner and most prob'ly gonna go to Johor with bibs and eat all the sinful seafood BBQ stuffs, do some cheapo shopping too.

i don't think i'll be clubbing or pubbing... okay i'll just put a hold onto that thought (bibi's gonna kill me!!!) just in case i change my mind...

End...

sorry ah, my posts are always very unorganised and random,nyahahahahaha.

& i think i'm gonna die if school starts, the trip takes at least one bloooooody hour.. SO FAR!